How to raise independent children

“This year we decided to try something new, I made a list of responsibilities that Nico has to do, some every day, some certain days a week. Some of them, Nico already used to do.”

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What I am about to tell you is a tactic I used this summer in order for my son to be more responsible with his things, and therefore, more independent. It is important to acknowledge that this does not apply to all children, nor ages; each child is different, but this technique worked for us and avoided many arguments, because Nico hates being told what to do, but he would not do those things on his own either. However, when there is a list, he does the chores with no major problem.

First things first

I must tell you that Nico (11 y/o), has been quite independent -according to his age- since he was a little. Despite being an only child and being raised by me full time, I was aware that I should not overprotect him; I have to let him explore, express himself, and develop different activities according to his age.

I also wanted him to be bilingual from the start, and we accomplished that with no problem, and without me having to speak to him in the second language. But that is a story for another post. What I can tell you now, is that you don’t need to have a bilingual person at home in order for your child to grow up bilingual, and you don’t need to spend extra money either.

Each stage is different

As they grow, children change in every aspect, and so our teachings, but always keeping clear rules. When a household has clear and stablished rules, kids understand them and eventually don’t argue about them.

During the first week of vacations, I realized that what Nico wanted to do all summer was not ideal. Of course, I did want him to forget about school, I wanted him to rest, play online with his friends, go to bed later than usual, oversleep… All that was fine, but we humans live in constant learning, and I consider necessary that Nico continues with that process, because what you learn at school is one thing, but what you must learn at home is another. As his mom, it is my job to teach him many other things that will allow him to become more organized and independent.

Vacations canceled

Due to the pandemic, we decided not to go out on vacation. This part was not easy for me at all, but I think we should wait a bit longer (again: each case is different and it is a decision that each family takes according to their circumstances, so there are no bad decisions). We talked to Nico about it; just because they are kids, does not mean we should hide from them the events occurring in and outside of home. We talked to him about some decisions we make, and he likes that because he feels that his opinion is important (and it is). He did not like the idea, obviously, but he accepted it because he understood the circumstances.

It is also important for us to tell him about some relevant news occurring in our country and the world, of course, according to his age and without strong images. We cannot keep them in a bubble.

The list

This year we decided to try something new, I made a list of responsibilities that Nico has to do, some every day, some certain days a week. Some of them, Nico already used to do. Once he is done with all the activities from the list, he is free and can do whatever he wants: play online with his friends, watch movies, play, sleep, anything he wants.

The first day, when he saw the list, he got very angry. Of course, he saw the list as a punishment or an obligation in the middle of his vacations, so he did not like it at all.

We sat down, we talked for a while, and I explained to him that those were things that he already has to do on his own, and that if he analyzes the list, all those chores do not take him more than an hour and a half; an hour and a half from the entire day. Seeing things from that point of view, Nico understood and accepted.

The list has very simple things, for instance:

– Details about his personal cleanliness (listed in order because otherwise he will not do them, like the classic brushing his teeth after every meal, shower days, cutting his fingernails and toenails, things like that).

– Prepare his own breakfast (he does not eat breakfast with us because he sleeps more).

– Clean his room and his study (in detail: open curtains, windows, pick up his clothes, clean his desk, make the bed, etc.)

– Do his laundry once a week.

– On the other hand, practice the languages he is learning, practice music and read, each one for minimum 15 minutes.

Once all those chores are done, he is free, and he can do whatever he wants for the rest of the day.

He realized that even though the list seemed long, it actually did not take that much of his time, so he does them at his rhythm, depending on his mood that day, each day is different, but he does the chores.

It is important to mention that once school starts, some chores are only for weekends (like making his bed, for instance). In other words, there will be a list, but a different one.

Patience is the key

On one hand, they see everything we do and we are their first role model to follow; on the other hand, our job is to teach them new things patiently, because they are not born with the knowledge; what for you might be obvious, for them it is not. With that in mind, I teach him to make different things, like (in recipes): scrambled eggs, porridge, recipes with fruits, etc. I love to see his happy face when he learns something new and makes it for the first time on his own.

Not everything is rosy

There are moments when he loves to test me, or he is in a bad mood and tells me that he does not want to do anything from the list. I do not argue, I only say “ok”. However, he knows that he cannot use electronics until he is done with his chores, so after a while he starts to make them with resignation.

Results

Nico does not complain about the chores he has to do, and now that summer is over, I have seen results: he showers well and more often, he learned to cut his fingernails and toenails by himself and well, he learned to prepare different dishes for breakfast and he knows some simple recipes now.

I was surprised the other night when he left this room and a few seconds later, he returned to turn the lights off. That was a miracle for me, because in this house you would always hear me say “Nico, turn off the lights”. Now he does it without thinking.

This did not happen overnight, so I must repeat the keyword: Patience. It is a process.

In conclusion

Nico has always been independent, but now I have noticed that he is more responsible with his own things. He takes interest in eating healthy and taking care of himself.

What I have realized with all of these is that Nico hates to be told what to do, but if there is a list of things with his chores, he does them at his rhythm without complaining. It is impressive.

Important: I do not do this to torture my son or because I do not want to attend him. As his mom, I am here to love him, provide him with all he needs, and fill him with hugs and love; but also, I have the huge responsibility of educate him and teach him how to be a responsible and independent person. A person who as an adult will be able to handle himself and not need me.

This new method has worked very well. Each stage comes with new challenges as parents, and as children as they grow physically and emotionally, so we never stop learning, them and us.

Xoxo,

Cupcakes & Harmony

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