¡Gracias por compartir! / Thanks for sharing!

«I am writing this post thinking about my friend, and others who have lost someone, and are going through this hard process. I decided to tell how I went through mine, because each person carries their grief differently, and to read, or to talk to someone about it, helps a little«.

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A little while ago, one of my dearest friends’ dad passed away. It was unexpected, they were living in different countries and could not see each other due to the pandemic.

Mi heart was in pain for my friend because I know how he feels. That grief is stronger than any expression we could use to describe it. How do you comfort someone who is going through such pain? Well, you can’t. None of the things you say will help that person ease their pain. However, your presence may provide comfort, a hug, or just listening helps.

According to famous psychological studies, the process of grieving has 5 stages:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

I respect Psychology, but I’ve never resorted to it. However, this time, I decided to write about my process of grief and afterwards see if those words applied to my story. Let’s see how it goes.

I am writing this post thinking about my friend, and others who have lost someone, and are going through this hard process. I decided to tell how I went through mine, because each person carries their grief differently, and to read, or to talk to someone about it, helps a little.

Mi case is a bit unconventional, because what helps me heal is loneliness. I’ve gotten over my tragedies with self-therapy and I strongly believe that only oneself can heal from certain kinds of depression. Please, do not hesitate in search for professional help if you feel like you need it, it could make a huge difference.

Mi mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was 23 years old. Her struggle to defeat the illness lasted 2 years, and during that time, I prayed every single night, with all my heart to God, so He can make a miracle and cure her. Up until the last moment, I was certain my mom was going to heal; it was logical, because God knew that I couldn’t live without her, so my brain did not see any other outcome. When mom exhaled her last breath, I could not assimilate that she was gone.

The first stage was definitely denial, because I couldn’t accept that the person I loved most, stopped breathing. Around me, I could still smell her scent, her belongings were on sight, I felt her presence, nothing made sense.

I can’t remember many moments during the service, neither during the burial; things that must have happened like, everyone who showed, words of comfort I must have received… I do remember that everything looked surreal, as if I was looking at everything from outside, as if it was a bad dream.

As weeks passed, I used to be crying in the corners, I couldn’t handle the pain. I couldn’t sleep. When my best friend would call, all I used to do was cry and she would be on the other side, listening quietly until I calmed down. That helped a bit.

Sometimes I’d take the car and drive without destination around the city, by myself. I used to cry, shout, and reproach my mom for leaving. I started to feel anger towards her, towards God, towards everything.

After a while, the unthinkable happened; my brain, which I fear a bit because sometimes it makes radical decisions, decided to let her go and never call her again, never ask for comfort, advice, signs. Nothing. I think I started a stage of negotiation.

The detonator: Turns out things were bad over here, and I didn’t want her to find out about any of it, I wanted her to really rest in peace, to live eternally in her own assigned paradise, and never have to worry about anything that was happening here. Isn’t that what eternal rest is all about? You die and go to a place where everything is peace, or you reborn. Either way, your past life and people you loved, must not concern you anymore. I would hate to think that after her death, she has to see all the tragedies happening here.

Anyway, I let her go. Every time something bad would happen, my relief was that mom was not here to go through it. I imagined her somewhere else, happy, relaxed, knowing nothing about us.

So, in order to endure her absence, my subconscious focused on that. I never called her again, never asked for signs, nor advice. Up until now, every time I go through something bad, what I do is remember all the things she taught me, all the advice she gave me, all the strength she had, all that is recorded on my mind, and I release those memories every time I need them.

I will always be grateful to my mom for everything she taught me, and for all the love she gave me when she was alive.

One day, not long ago, while talking to a friend, she mentioned that she feels that her deceased mom looks after her; that sometimes she asks for signs and gets them. She advised me to open myself and ask my mom for a sign because she is certain that mom takes care of me from wherever she is. But my brain does not accept that theory, it is set up differently, and that is the only way to handle my grief. Deep inside I know, that if I open that other possibility, I will break.

Now that I’m writing this, I realize that it may not be a good idea that you use this post as a guide to endure your grief… Maybe, in your case, feeling that your loved one looks after you and accompanies you, will make you feel better. To me, both options are fine.

I think about mom every day, sometimes I talk to my son about her and I tell him many anecdotes. She is part of me through my memories.

But I don’t cry for her absence, because I chose to think that she is doing great, happy and at peace, so I must respect that. That was the way I found to handle my depression, by focusing on her peace. So, I took my pain, and locked it in a chest, under a hundred padlocks.

One day, I met a friend of moms from their twenties. She lives abroad and lost contact with mom years before she got sick. When she saw me, I think I reminded her of mom, and started crying as she approached and hugged me. She kept crying with so much grief. That hug and her pain, broke all my chest’s padlocks and I broke. I cried a lot; we didn’t have to say anything, but that moment broke the barrier it costed me so much to build.

I realized that it is necessary to let it all out once in a while, so I let myself do that once or twice a year. I go to the cemetery alone, place some flowers and cry for a while. I do it because mom is not there, her body is, but not her soul. I cry because it will never stop hurting, because I miss her, I miss talking to her… Besides, I have to empty the chest so it won’t collapse. After a while of crying, I feel lighter, so I lock up the chest and move on.

I can’t tell you that the process of grief will be bearable. It will take time and tears. I can’t tell you that it will pass, because it won’t. But I can assure you, that you will find a way to canalize that pain, with time.

Let your beloved go, to wherever they have to go, and keep their legacy, what they left you in terms of love and teachings. There will be a point where, every time you think about your beloved, you will smile with gratitude and love. That stage is acceptance.

Lots of love,

MJ

¡Gracias por compartir! / Thanks for sharing!