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“Why? Why do I have to live with this huge hole in my heart? Is this how my life is going to be from now on?”

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October, 2005

It was 7 am, so I started the engine to warm up the car. I strongly held the steering wheel and frowned. I had to drive to work again. I hated it. Two days before, I scratched another car on my way home. I was a beginner and I felt that driving was not for me.

My mom died, that is why dad gave me her car; he said I should drive it, that it was time. But I didn’t want to. Two days after I started driving mom’s car, I asked my dad to sell it. I wanted him to get rid of the car. But he refused, he said I can do it.

Sitting in front of the steering wheel, I felt anger and frustration. All I wanted was to go back in time; I wanted mom to be alive and drive her own car. I wanted to go to work by bus, like I always did; and later come home, open the door, and find my mom waiting for me, have coffee together and talk about our day.

As a teenager, my dream was to have my own car; but not like this, not this way. I don’t have the right to be sitting here.

Why? Why do I have to live with this huge hole in my heart? Is this how my life is going to be from now on?

A life where my mom is absent, it’s simply not life.

Maybe I should just take this car, drive as fast as I can and fly to my mother’s arms… But, when I die, will I see her? Even if I don’t, wherever I go, I will surely not feel this unbearable pain. That’s it, I don’t want to feel anything at all.

Suddenly, a song started playing on the radio and it started with these lyrics:

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

Stuck in reverse…

All my thoughts were paused, and my mind absorbed each and every single word from that song; meanwhile, tears came out, nonstop, in absolute silence. The last part was the one that hit me most, I felt my heart was about to explode…

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face and I

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

I cried, I cried with lament for a while.

I asked my mom to forgive me for having such awful thoughts, and I promised her that I would try my best to move on.

Through that song, I felt that my mom was sending me a message. I felt that it was a sign.

I will never, never forget that moment.

That is what “Fix You” means to me. No other song has that level of power over my soul. Each time I listen to it, I shed tears of grief, but also tears of comfort.

I am deeply grateful to Coldplay, for creating a song that touched my soul and pulled me out of a very dark moment in my life.

Epilogue

I decided to write about a very emotional moment of my life, that occurred 15 years ago, because I felt goosebumps when I listened to the “Fix You” cover, performed by BTS on their MTV Unplugged, a few days ago.

BTS explained, that “Fix You” helped them cope during difficult times. When I heard that, I realized that this song has had an enormous effect on so many people throughout the years, and that made me very happy.

I love BTS; so, as a fan of Coldplay since 2002, and as part of BTS ARMY since 2020, I was happy when I heard them singing my beloved song.

Their cover turned out beautiful, it made me happy and it made me cry. The fact that it caused that effect on me, is proof that they put all their hearts and energy into it. It sounded beautifully.

If this song has a special meaning for you, I would love to read your story.

Xoxo,

MJ

Other stories

The process of grief

Traveler soul

The power of the mind

¡Gracias por compartir! / Thanks for sharing!